Take me somehere I've never been before

While I'm sitting at my kitchen table listening to Brighten with one of my best friends, it's easy to realize how much better things are when they're simple. Over the last few months I've been thinking that I prefer things to be a little chaotic, that I thrive on it. But as I drove through the country roads in Ohio today everything just hit me. Everything is simple. Love is simple. And the simplicity of it all is so extraordinary that you don't ever need something to be complicated again. Because God made everything in such an absolutely amazing way that you don't need all of that other stuff. Because you have comfort. Not only within what is beautifully plain, but in the fact that God is always there with you, enjoying it as much as you do. I always thought of comfort as something that a person achieves with the right circumstances. But comfort is like home. It's a state of mind. I thought that if I learned how to make interesting conversations with someone that I would become comfortable in my own skin. In reality, by trying to do this, I made myself so scared that I would say something stupid, or wouldn't say enough, that comfort was the LAST thing on my mind. Real comfort is the ability to be completely silent with a person and not have to wonder what to say, because nothing needs to be said. There are connections that go so much farther than words do. Since I use words on a regular to express myself, this is hard to admit. But words are not everything no matter how much we make it seem that way in our everyday lives. Words are a beautiful way to express yourself, absolutely. But if every word was taken seriously, where would we be? DEFINITELY not in a comfortable place, that's for sure.

I took comfort and simplicity for granted for a long time. I really don't know why, because to be honest pain has been an ever present part of my life for quite a while now. No, I don't say this to complain. I say it because it's true, and I accept pain as a part of life. I accept what hurts me as a part of me, just as I accept what makes me feel incredible as a part of me. Pain is not death. Pain is alive. So why do people associate pain with death as if the two are BFFs? The way I see it, pain and death are nothing more than your common enemies; if pain and suffering result in death...they didn't do their job right. Pain is like the car alarm going off in the middle of the night. It saves your life. It lets you know when you need to make a change, to start looking at things in a different light. I plan to do this, because as of right now I am a complicated person. I will admit it. Now I say that I am looking for a simple life. I crave the complete comfort of feeling the sun warming your bones, how the rain sounds as it hits the ground, or how the heat smells. How it feels to put warm dry clothes on after taking off the soaked bathing suit clinging to your skin. A bubble bath. Getting lost inside the worlds of a single song. 

In today's world, I believe that learning to be live simply is something we could all benefit from. And honestly, I can live off of simplicity. Simplicity, however, cannot live off of me. As I said, I am complicated. Tomorrow I could wake up and only want to go on adventures for the rest of my life. It all depends on the day. But tonight...tonight let's just stay in silence as we lay with our eyes facing our favorite creation of God's.

I'm running. the past behind me, the future ahead. But the bridge for me to cross has been burned, and the water below is cold and rapid. If I dare jump when I reach the edge, will I survive? I could reach the future, and discover who I am. Or I could fall into the water; lose my nerve and my will to swim...leading me down the cold road to my death.

Because of being completely unable to organize my thoughts, I turned to organizing everything else in my life that I could, including the people around me. That was before. Before I was able to get those thoughts out with a pen and a crisp notebook page. Only now that they have been made solid matter, instead of a bullet bouncing around in my skull, ruining everything in its path, can I eliminate the parts of myself that ruin me.

Before? Total chaos. Now? Now I can fit these pieces back together, building new pathways. Building a new bridge to future, I am one step closer to who I am. Now that I'm organized, I realize that I don't have to jump at all. I have all the materials to rebuild that bridge without taking a single leap.

Will I ever fear the seemingly inevitable: running out of things to write about? Not a shot in hell. That's because to me, writing is growing. There is always somewhere new and different my mind can lead me. There will always be the oppurtunity to expound upon a thought I've already explored. Writing is my passion, and I finally get that.

Tonight, I will not simply write a naive, self-centered, and thoughtless view of the world around me. It will not be like other journal entries, that merely mask what's really going on with what I have cooked up as cover stories.  No, tonight I will not hide, or pretend.

You may already know me, for many people will figure me out long before I do. you may know that I can be a brat, I whine, I complain, and I lose patience in myself and others. If you know me even better, you may see that beneath it all I aspire to be someone amazing some day. I know that I'm not there yet. I also know that I am completely unaware of what happens when I reach my milestone. It's a scary thought, because once you hit the top, there's only one way to go. Because things are always changing, moving, and leaving our lives. So, then comes faith.

In today's world, you can find a million reasons not to have faith. And I'm talking about all kinds of faith, not only faith in God. Faith in people, is something I see becoming more and more extinct every day. In our world, to have faith in people can be described in one of two ways: as optimism, or naivete. So what, exactly, is the difference between the two? To be naive is to be simple, with a limited understanding of how the world actually works. To be optimistic is to look past how the world really works to find the so called "silver lining". So how do you decide if you're a naive optimist, or an optimistic idiot? 

This view of things seems pretty black and white. if you ask me. But common perception labels these characteristics of human nature in just that way. Furthermore, it wouldn't be off-base to assume that the average person looks past optimism as something of an urban legend. Optimists are rare. Many group optimism, good, naivete, and faith together. Pinning them against their opposites. Maybe, in turn, by saying this I am falling into the trend of pessimism. Which can equally be grouped with evil, knowledge, and disbelief. Maybe, even science. I will admit that I am more often a pessimist than not, and though I hate it, my faith can falter. But how can you really blame a person for taking optimism as nothing more than fluff? The way the Universe throws shit at you constantly, is it really possible to be 100% optimistic? In today's world, is it safe to say that it's faith vs. the rest of the world?

Thinking about this, I realized how I admire people with undying faith. Tho have faith is to have courage, and nobody wants to be the coward. And then there's the other side of this. Some say that facing "the truth" is the most honorable thing you can do. There's no point where you can simply come to a conclusion. It's not scientific, it's only a matter of opinion. It's like when an immovable object and an unstoppable force meet, to quote the Joker. So what happens when both opposites make perfect sense to you?

Opposites, in all honesty, keep the world spinning on it's axis. Without one the other wouldn't exist. Without pain, no healing. Without weakness, no strength. Without fear, no courage. Without evil, no good. Inside every person there are two forces striving to stay on top. Striving to survive, and win. Could it be so simple, that the whole world just has two faces, each trying to be prominent? If this is true, there is only one question left to ask.

What happens when one or the other wins for good?

It's 4:16am. Why am I still awake? No idea. And everyone else is sleeping, so I figured that maybe LJing would help me be sleepy. I'm also watching Charlie's Angels while I do this. Why? It's on, and I can. Luke Wilson is cuteeeee. This is totally random! So I'm going to elaborate on some thoughts. 

We're moving soon, and though I hate the process of packing, movers, and endless disorganization despite my BEST efforts, I'm really excited. Mostly to be out of this hole of a house we're in now, and into my beautiful 6 bedroom 4.5 bath North of Forbes Squirrel Hill Pretentious home. I think that's probably the best description I've ever given. So my goal, after I save money to invest in a Sony Bravia (dree-hee-eamer!) with my mother, is to save money to invest with my parents in getting either an elliptical or bike machine. I know, I know. It's just what I want. Or you know, that guy on my phone.

So I totally forgot about this creepy guy that cuts everyones hair off with his supersword, that reminds me of my ex-serial-killer neighbor Corey. The ex meaning he's my ex-neighbor, not an ex-serial killer. Very, very random...

"I had the words but then I threw them away."

There is not a single lyric that speaks to me more. And David Cook is a genius when it comes to writing lyrics that speak to people, especially me. And finally my words have come back, and I know I don't deserve them anymore. They're all flowing so fast, I can't do anything but sit and think them all at once. I wish I could just think them, and that they would be recorded so that I could expound on them later. Because I know I will forget some. And all words are important. Even the little ones, like "it".

I believe I am an insightful person. Actually, that's a lie. I believe the ones that are insightful are the ones who have no idea just how smart, or amazing, or inspiring they are. But I'm starting to think that it's not about not knowing what you are. It's about finding out who you are. It's the strength of believing you are all of those things, and striving to live up to them. I realize that just because you possess a quality at some point, you won't always have it. You have to work at who you are, what you do, and what happens to you. I used to believe that fate was something that happens on its own. And in a way it is, but you make you're own life. You can't control what happens to you, but you can control what you do. You can act on feelings, you can tell people what you're thinking, you can do things to help others, or you can do things to help yourself. I still believe everything happens for a reason. It's like on TV shows about psychics. Take That's So Raven, for example. (I know, Shut up.) Everytime she has a vision, she usually tries to change the outcome, and her actions are what causes the vision to happen regardless. It's like your actions are what determine how you come to your fate, but you can't change your fate. Yes, that's what I've been trying to say.

So Victoria and I just talked for like 5 hours online about nearly nothing. I love that so much. A lot of it was really funny but I don't remember why. 

I basically want to be friends with everyone in the world. Except MFH hoes. Honestly. Be my friend? Yes.

 PS. TWINNIE, I hate that you sleep on a regulare schedule now, I have no late night buddies. WTF is Alex, by the way?

I think that for every person, there is a defining moment in their life where everything just catches up to them. I have many of these, because I'm often running away from things to see what sticks. To some these moments come often in their career, relationships, or ambitions. For me, there are two defining moments, or even actions, in a relationship that make it seem that much more real. The first of the two is when I realize that this "love interest" of mine makes me bite my lip. Now you all know. It's my tell-tale sign. If you're a guy, and you see me bite my lip, I'm most likely attracted to you. However, I also do it when I'm writing too, cause I'm thinking deeply. In any event, that's the first sign. The second is when I have the dream. The dream that is so clear, so in the moment, so incredibly real, that it wakes me up with my heart pounding. I've been biting my lip all night. I had this dream last night.

There's something so defining about dreams in my life. They start my day, they end it, and they almost guide me through my waking hours. It's hard to explain, but before I go to sleep I think of what I want to dream of and if I actually dream it, it's like the go ahead for me to actually pursue what I want. So over the last, let's say, two weeks I have been laying my head down thinking about someone I will call Bradly. And every single night, I dream of him. However before last night, there hasn't been a dream that has been "defining moment" worthy for me. 

So this leaves me to wonder if I've come to the point where I can conclude that I have serious feelings for Bradly. While I don't know a lot about him, I know he's kind and sweet, and I find him to be the most adorable person in the world. In fact, nothing seems to be holding me back with him, when in general I can write a novel about all of my doubts. So what makes him different? Is it that I'm finally moving on from my last trainwreck? It's like I'm being reborn. True, I'm bringing back everything I lost in the last 6 months. I'm bringing back myself and Bradly happens to be the one I'm "pining for" right now, so to speak. It's hard to see if emotions are simply being confused or if there is actually something worth talking about this time. 

No matter what it is I'm becoming the happy person that I once was again, and though I know everyone's mourning period varies, it's highly recommended that you join me here as well.

The people I never talk about behind their backs ALWAYS think they're the ones I'm referring to in entries. 

This is how I roll. I can't sleep again. Surprise surprise.But to kick off my thoughts, I took this quiz about what type of man I like. This is my result:

"The Adventure Man: You like a man who doesn't need the crazy muscles to prove he is a 100% man. He is mysterious and his pictures make you want to jump into his head to see what is going on in there...or his pants I suppose. You like a little bad-ass in him and you may like someone like.....Jude Law. But let's face it, the whole point of this was to look at a bunch of hot guys. If you liked what you saw, please rate my test!" 

And this, at least lately, is very true. (Ha speaking of men I like, Bon Jovi is on The Daily 10. Only Victoria will appreciate this.) Back to my point. I want a man who has no inhibitions who does what he wants to do when he wants to do it, and says what he wants to say when he wants to say it. Just mix that in with just an itty bit of shyness, like upon a first meeting or something, and he's perfect. I want the kind of guy that will bring out the side of me that isn't so insecure and...paranoid. That doesn't hide behind having to have her books perfectly lined up on her shelf and her shoes lined up against the baseboad. Yes, I'm actually like that, believe it or not. I want someone who will convince me to actually go skydiving, instead of just saying I want to but never actually going. Or someone who will steal that traffic sign with me that I've been wanting to steal for the last, oh I dunno, 4 years? Or that will take me driving down Sunset Boulevard at midnight, dance with me in Times Square, and sit on the steps at The Mall in Washington DC at 3 o'clock in the morning.

I wondered why I couldn't just do that anyway, just on my own. But I realized that doing those kind of things on your own just aren't the same. It's impossible to enjoy something if you can't talk to someone and reminisce about it later on. Like going through your pictures in your photobucket? Well it would really suck if there weren't anyone to laugh at them with, right? I'm slowly realizing just how boring life is without anyone to share it with. So having the best time I can with my friends and family is all I'm looking to do this summer. And I want to find my passion. If there's a guy that can help me do that, I'd love to be finding him. Quickly.

It's been a really long time, hasn't it? Well I'm going to change that, simply because I miss the way things used to be. And writing always used to make me feel better, yet I never do it anymore. I know that I won't be able to just jump right back in where I was before, so I'll have to bring it back gradually. Like therapy, I guess? So I guess I'll get right down to it.


I've been wondering lately, what exactly is the definition of the term, "Best Friend" anymore? It seems like everything that I used to know about being a friend, all those ideas, codes of conduct, and reasons to simply trust your friends are extinct. So what is it that a friend does to keep a sense of loyalty alive in a relationship now, to let you borrow her pair of Jimmy Choos? That's a wonderfully kind gesture in my opinion, but it's not enough. So when we have our girlfriends running around behind our backs with the men who broke our hearts, lying to our faces, and leaving us behind unexpectedly, what are we supposed to do about it? When it comes to friendships, what's considered betrayal?


I don't know I'm out of good ideas. Things are too complicated.

I never really officially posted this.

This Journal Is Friends Only.
If you want an add, comment and I'll consider adding you to my friends.
I probably will. So don't be shy.

That's all.